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I was coaching a client recently who expressed frustration about an important conversation that went very poorly. As we talked, he realized that his intention for the conversation (to learn more about the other’s experience) did not have the desired impact (the other person walked away angry and hurt and was refusing to talk with him). We re-enacted the conversation from his experience and uncovered a crucial blind spot. He is so accustomed to being directive that he ended up telling his story instead of actually listening to the other person share theirs.

This happens often, especially across differences such as race, gender, age, corporate level, disability and other differences. Many of us engage with others to solve problems or to be heard, so it’s much more difficult to slow down and listen to others than we think.

Practicing mindful conversations

One antidote is to practice what I call mindful conversations. The essence is to “Get present. Say less. Ask more. Listen generously.”

Get present

This is also called mindfulness. Mindfulness raises awareness of emotions and sensations, helps regulate emotions, and increases empathy and our ability to take on others’ perspectives. It also helps us access a “beginner’s mindset” and notice moments of our own judgement, apathy or fear which could be tied to a bias we hold which can pull us away from the moment and the relationship. There are many ways to “get present”; use a favorite of yours or try one of many mindfulness practices suggested by others on the web.

Say less

Start by reminding yourself of your intention to listen and learn, not to share or explain. Embrace an open and curious mindset (beginner’s mind), as if you know little or nothing. Channel your inner 7-year-old’s curiosity and wonder. Remember if you are talking, you are not listening.

Ask more

Ask open-ended questions, without a lot of lead-in or explanation. The shorter, the better. Start questions with what, when, how. Avoid asking “Why?” questions which may trigger defensiveness and a sense of being judged (having to explain or justify one’s actions or feelings). Don’t just ask about the facts, but about the experience and the emotions. Instead of asking “What did you do?”, try asking, “How did that make you feel?” Keep the focus on the other person, asking them questions that invite them to go deeper into what they are sharing with you.

Listen generously

Why “generously”? To evoke compassion and gratitude. Listen with kindness and empathy. Try to remain non-reactive, non-judgmental and seeking to understand. You might have a moment of “Wow – that surprises me!” or “Something like that happened to me too and it made me so angry!” If so, say so, then ask them about their reaction to their situation. Don’t tell your own story. Listen beyond the words being said to what was left unsaid, to the tone, body language and pauses. Keep distractions to a minimum. If needed, schedule time ahead for the conversation, or agree to continue at another time when there are fewer distractions.

Putting mindful conversations into practice

Mindful conversations are easier said than done well, and like any set of new skills, they take practice. It’s also not intended for every conversation; consider mindful conversations for important, relationship-building, growth-focused conversations.

My client tried again, starting with an apology, sharing the insights he’d gained about what he could have done better, and asking for another shot. He got it, and they are scheduled for more dialogue soon.

Thanks for stopping by. We hope you found at least one little nugget you are taking away with you. What will you do to bring it into full living color?

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